Why You Should Stop Asking Women When They're Having Children

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Hi, my name is Dominek, and I am a 34-year-old married woman (a unicorn in NYC is what some call me) who gets tired of people asking me when are my husband and I are going to have children.  I dread trips home to visit family because the same topic comes up at every function "When y'all having kids?" and "You know you aren't getting any younger."  Thanks for the reminder that I am not Benjamin Buttons, and I’m indeed aging forward.

In my adult years, I never felt a need to "follow the crowd" or to allow societal norms to dictate what is suppose to happen after certain life events (i.e., college, marriage, or turning 30).  I am from the Midwest, where the pace of life is a little slower compared to the East Coast. I feel if you are single and no kids by the age of 25 people look at you like you have a third eye in the Midwest.  Where I am from you graduate college, get married in your mid-twenties, and have at least one child well before 30.  I honestly have some friends on their third child or first divorce (no shade).  I feel as if I need to state this - THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS PATH IN LIFE, but it was not mine.  I got married at 28, which is a lot later than most of my friends, and at the age of 34, my husband and I do not have kids. 

I am here to remind the general public to stop asking women when are they’re going to have kids regardless of their marital status or age.  There are multiple reasons why some women do not have kids and nor do we need the reminder as you are handing us the potato salad at the 4th of July cookout.  Let's talk about a couple of them.

INFERTILITY

This is a perfect example of why asking a woman WHY they don't have children can be insensitive.  I believe the automatic assumption of most people is that if a woman doesn't have children, it’s because she does not want to be a mother. 

About 10 percent of women (6.1 million) in the United States ages 15-44 have difficulty getting pregnant or staying pregnant, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).

There are many women who deal with infertility and who long for children, which is why it is more important to be mindful of asking.  Trying phrasing the question as "What are your plans for you and your family?"

NO DESIRE TO HAVE CHILDREN

Some women have no desire to have children, and I wish we would cancel out the narrative that this choice is being selfish.  If you are in a relationship where both parties understand and respect this decision, then why is there a concern from any outside parties?  It's okay that someone's career or life aspirations take a front seat in their life.

NOT READY FOR CHILDREN

We have reached the category that I fall into.  My husband and I want children, but we are not where we need to be at to feel comfortable with bringing a life into this world.  I know what you are about to say "You can never be too prepared for children," and this is true but I am also a worry wart, so there is that.  Living in New York City has overcomplicated the timing of a child for my family and I and many factors that come in to play, such as:

  • What will be childcare situation be?  Nanny or daycare?

  • Private v.s public school

  • Do we want to continue to live in the New York City metropolitan area? Should we move to Jersey? Should we move farther out within New York State?

  • How many children can we afford?

  • Are our finances in order to prepare for this addition?

I still have so much to accomplish before becoming someone's momma career wise.  There are parts of MY BRAND I still need to build out and Dom N' The City will be more than just a blog (speaking things into existence). 

After unpacking some of the reasons WHY we need to STOP asking women why do they not have kids, I hope this will allow you to be more mindful when speaking on this subject with women. 

Anyone tired of being asked about children?

Do you have reasons outside of the three I shared?

Sound off in the comments and join the discussion!

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